This blog was inspired by 31 for 21 & is about my wonderful family.

"As a mother, my job is to take care of what is possible & trust God with the impossible." ~Ruth Bell Graham

"Never look down on someone, unless you're helping them up!"

Friday, March 22, 2013

A S H A M E D!

     I am a firm believer that God has a reason for everything.  Some people question that.  Especially when horrible things happen.  Death, illness, suffering, severed families...these are some things that many people ask "why would God do this to me?'  I wish I had the answers.  But I don't.  I just believe that God has His reasons & we have to trust in Him.

     I have suffered great trials in my 37 years on this earth, but God has brought me through each & every one of them.  I've suffered physically, emotionally, & mentally.  I have overcome many injuries, illnesses, death.  I suffer on a daily basis, but God gets me through.

     I am ashamed to admit that this past week, I questioned God.  There have been a few times in my life when I questioned Him...4 times, as a matter of fact, & sadly, this was the 4th time.  I was just so angry, so exhausted in every aspect, so disappointed.  I just hit my breaking point & now I am so broken hearted that I did.  I feel like I've let God down.

     A few days after my 'argument' with God, it hit me.  EVERYTHING happens for a reason.  I had said this over & over to myself during these past 6 months, but my ignorant self couldn't comprehend the answer that was staring in my face!  If I had not had the cancer scare, I wouldn't be praising His name for NOT having cancer.  Sounds weird, I know...but I get it.  If I wouldn't have had chest pains, I would have never went to the doctor....which is the reason I lost my disability (or at least that is what I think happened).  Now that I am going to several doctors, they can attest to my health problems & I should be able to appeal this decision about my disability.

     Just think about it.  I despise doctors.  I won't go unless I am absolutely dying...my family can attest to that.  I just don't trust them & I surely can't afford to pay their rates.  But spiking my blood pressure, causing a heart attack, got my tail to the doctor.  Who sent me to a cardiologist & a primary care doctor...who is sending me to a pain management doctor.  My PCP was amazed at my history & agrees that I can not work.  She was shocked that I'm not on pain medication 24/7.

     That heart attack could have been fatal.  God could've brought me Home right then, but He didn't.  He knows that I am stubborn...He knows I can endure a lot of pain, so He went for the one thing He knew that Mack would force me to go to the ER with, my ticker.  Therefore, His will was done.

     Sure, this appeal process is going to be a total pain & so stressful.  But I believe that God will see us through this & we will be victorious.  I just have to keep taking my broken down self to see my doctors, whether I like it or not.

     God has brought me through so much more than this trial.  I know He will bring us through this.  Perhaps he has something better in store for my family!  :)

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